8th October:

I read an irritating article yesterday about the impact of fatherhood. It was in one of those glossy women's magazines that the fairer sex seem to insist on torturing themselves with every month. You know, headlines like “think yourself thin in ten minutes” and that kind of guff. Needless to say, of course, the men they chose to interview all had more than enough money to say "fuck it" and get a nanny in when the going got tough. "It's so fulfilling" gushed Alex, ex-celebrity Britpop darling. "I never knew I would enjoy it so much". Yes, well I'm sure us mere mortals would find it just as fulfilling if we could hand the little angels over to the help and bugger off back to our sun loungers by the pool whenever they kicked off.

Mind you, I shouldn't sound surprised. This same magazine tells its readers "if you only buy one item of clothing this month, make it this...", presenting a £700 tunic dress as the answer to life's problems. I'm sorry, but do me a favour. I'm fortunate enough to have a well-paid job but by the time I've dealt with the rent and the bills, then put enough money aside to cover my required monthly contribution to Tesco's profitability and have a semblance of a social life, there is no chance that I’ll be shelling out £700 on a tunic dress or the metrosexual male equivalent. I'm all for a bit of aspiration, but the fashion press really do take the piss. I used to buy GQ for a while, and quickly got into the habit of flicking straight past the clothing pages towards the back, as they only ever seemed to contain pictures of skinny, pasty-faced wastrels wearing suits and coats that cost more than my rent. And I live in a 4-bedroom detached with double garage!

You can call it clever marketing or edgy anti-marketing, but Dove’s ‘Campaign for Real Beauty’ seems to have hit a chord with people, with its positive messages, celebration of diversity and a renunciation of an ideal standard. Even some of the tosh on the telly like “10 years younger” and “How to look good naked” does make the point that nice clothes are all well and good, but beauty and confidence start with positive self-image.

So there you have it folks. If you only do two things this month, splash out on a nanny and cancel the subscription to Cosmo.

You can spend all that new-found extra time looking in the mirror and reminding yourself how great you look.