30th September:

Let me make a confession to you, gentle reader: I suffer from a mild form of schizophrenia.

For the last 20 years I have been waging a battle to decide which of the two men who live inside me I really am.

Stuart 1 is a short-haired, smartly dressed kind of guy. He likes nice ties and cuff links, good food and wine, travels a lot and is fiercely ambitious. He has a well paid job and is professional, organised and, if we're being honest here, faintly pretentious.

Stuart 2 has a penchant for flowery shirts, loves leather jackets and has long hair. He's musical, reads voraciously, smokes (but not excessively), has a small tattoo on his right shoulder and loves nothing better than a pint of ale and a good arthouse film. He's empathetic and slightly shambolic but thoroughly good fun.

These two men co-exist in a strange and often uneasy manner. Imagine those situations in life that cause you to dig deep inside yourself and question your views on a subject, only to have 2 conflicting opinions returned.

Allow me to illustrate the problem with an example:
Stuart 1 feels that whoever decided mobile phones should be fitted with hands-free loudspeakers should be taken out and shot at dawn. Along with whoever invented coleslaw, the crazy frog and Sunny Delight. Bluetooth headsets - fine. Hands-free kits for cars - perfect. Loudspeakers on phones - bloody nuisance. Sorry if that sounds a bit Daily Mail. The rationale behind this argument is simply that Britain's urban landscape is now littered with groups of yoot who wander around listening to Kanye West publicly and loudly on their tinny, lo-fi phones and scowling at anyone who dares to look at them in accusatory fashion. Presumably buying a pair of fucking headphones is just too much effort.

Stuart 2 , on the other hand, has no problem with the concept of showing off your rebellious streak and is, quite frankly, far too chilled to get worked up about this kind of thing anyway.

You see the dilemma?

Some might say that being able to see both sides of any argument is a virtue that leads to greater empathy and compassion. Others might say it's just fannying around and indecision. All I know is that at any given time, regardless of who I feel I am, the other fella is right there, bubbling away just under the surface and struggling to get out.

I'm hoping that anyone who has ever been torn between their heart and their head, between what they want to do and what they should do, will know exactly how I feel.