10th September:

Your congenial host has just spent the last week living in the land of the large. Denver, to be precise. An interesting city, it has to be said, where the de rigeur breakfast of choice appears to be several pints of orange juice and coffee so weak you can see the bottom of your cup when it is full, accompanied by a breakfast burrito the size of a duvet. All washed down with a couple of anti-statin tablets, of course. Because a bowl of Alpen would be too much hassle.

The thing that always strikes me every time I am in the US is the sheer wastage that goes on. Surely somebody somewhere must see the amount of leftover food that gets thrown away and think "Hang on, why don't we just give them less in the first place...?" It's almost as if restaurants and cafes are terrified that customers are going to feel short-changed in some way or another and so over compensate by giving their clientèle a free coronary with every meal.

Another odd facet of life over there is the sheer bloody-minded perkiness of the table staff. I know they live off their tips, but there are times when you're really just not in the mood for Kelly (19, aspiring actress) to take you through the specials and her personal favourites on the menu in a way that makes you think she's swallowed liquid sunshine. Keeping that act up all day can't be good for you, I wager.

Still, on the plus side, I'm going back over again soon and fully intend to charge people for speaking to them. Every "Oh my God, I just love your accent" will cost a buck. God bless Capitalist America!