31st October (addendum):

As a card-carrying Republican, the views of your congenial host on the Royal family should require no further explanation. However, I did find it interesting that our Chuck courted controversy yesterday during his tour of Pakistan by bringing up the case of a British citizen currently awaiting execution on Death Row during his meeting with President Musharraf.

Could it be a coincidence that the following day’s programme – a visit to an Islamic school in Peshawar which was arguably the centre-piece of Chuck’s tour – was cancelled at short notice due to alleged safety concerns and a military deployment in the area? Call me a conspiracy theorist but the group’s unscheduled 2nd day in Islamabad may well be a slap round the back of the legs for having poked a highly-visible finger into the murky waters of domestic politics.

Stranger things have happened.

31st October:

Some examples of marketing done badly:

1. “New and Improved”. An oxymoron, surely?
2. “Best ever taste”, especially when applied to pet food. How do they know? Did they stand over the office junior and make him try it? Were the dogs asked to complete questionnaires?
3. “Kitten soft”, when referring to toilet paper. Now there’s an A-B comparison you’d rather not be party to. Call the RSPCA, someone!
4. “Ultimate” when used to refer to the performance of a particular product, e.g. dishwasher tablets or stain removers. This is as good as it gets? Let’s maximise profits and fire the whole R&D department then, eh?
5. Images of women roller-skating / partying / generally having fun when selling sanitary products. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Sitting on the sofa in your jammies with a hot water bottle scarfing a whole layer of Milk Tray? Now you’re cooking.
6. The latest Vauxhall Corsa ‘puppet’ campaign (C’mon!). Listen closely: What. Is. The. Message?
7. “Hi, I’m Barry Scott!”. Enough said, really.

30th October:

The latest book by Professor Richard Dawkins is called “The God Delusion” and is a fascinating read. His argument that a world without religion would be a significantly nicer place to live is an intriguing one.

Personal experience suggests that those with very strong religious beliefs seem happy to thrust them upon you and yet rarely seem open to having these same beliefs debated and challenged. People who subscribe to a religion talk about their 'faith' which, by the very nature of the word, requires an acceptance of a lack of certainty and absolute empirical evidence. Whilst these people should be free to hold their beliefs, those who wish to publicly examine and intellectually challenge the principles upon which these beliefs are based should be allowed to do so free from castigation, intimidation or censure.

One of the fundamental yet oft ignored principles upon which most of the world’s popular religions are based is the notion of respect for the beliefs of others, even if these beliefs differ from our own. Smugness is an optional extra. Arguably, the idea of “doing no harm” (primum non nocere) falls naturally out of this principle. And yet, how often are arms raised, lives taken and dissenting voices silenced in the name of God?

Socrates famously noted that “the unexamined life is not worth living”. Without wishing to sound glib, surely this extends to all aspects of one’s life, faith included?

29th October:

The clocks went back one hour last night and we have returned to GMT. This can only mean one thing: the imminent arrival of those Christmas gift catalogues that seem to fall out of every newspaper, magazine and supplement that graces your letterbox.

Does anyone remember those Roger-Moore-eyebrow-inducing ‘Innovations’ leaflets, full of tempting tat for the home that was so naff even QVC wouldn’t touch it with the proverbial soiled branch? Today, however, the landscape has changed and these primary-needs comestibles have gone all hi-tech. USB foot-warmers, anyone? Battery-operated snore stoppers? 30cm-tall Animatronic Cyberman with biomorphic articulation? Blue Man Group Percussion Tubes with play-along CD? DIY frontal lobotomy kit? OK, I made that last one up. The medium may have changed but it’s reassuring to see that the song remains the same.

Remember the good old days when you knew exactly what you wanted for Christmas by around September? It was always a thing: a bike or the Millennium Falcon or a trampoline for the back garden. Then one day you wake up, you are 26 and you’d be quite happy if your parents simply paid off the balance on your Amex card.

‘Tis the season. Resistance is futile.

28th October:

The problem with Starbucks is a simple one. Yes, they are filthy Capitalist swine leading us head-long towards homogenised, identikit High Streets whilst screwing Ethiopian farmers and your local greasy spoon caff with the other hand. But just admit it, that tall latte really did hit the spot, didn't it? Please file under 'Pleasures - Guilty'.

However, hope is at hand. Next time you are feeling bad about having the urge, simply walk in and ask for a Short Cappuccino. It isn't on the big chalkboard behind the pimpled Ukrainian student, but there's a special button for it on the cash till and it's 20 pence cheaper than the corresponding Tall version.

I like to think that they don't want us to know about it, although it could be the stealthiest of stealth marketing. In which case, I hate them even more.

27th October:

About 3 months ago, I had a moment of inspiration and decided to create an on-going performance art project that would deal with the themes of depression and isolation in society.

Yes, I have a MySpace page that doesn’t link to anywhere else.

Profound, n'est pas?

26^th October:

Scientists have suggested that within the next 10,00 years the human race will divide into two new sub-species. One species, the superior of the two, will be tall and slim, highly intelligent, and will have coffee-coloured skin (the result of generations of inter-continental breeding). The other species will be short, squat, goblin-like and strangely familiar to anyone who has ever visited the shopping centres of Britain’s provincial conurbations on a Saturday afternoon. White track-suits and large earrings may or may not feature prominently. Scientists are still divided over the exact Latin translation of “chip-eater”. Imagine a 7 foot tall younger Don Warrington standing next to Waynetta Slob and you are kind of getting there.

The suggestion is clearly that these two sub-species will co-exist side by side, just as we now believe Neanderthal man and Cromagnum man did, until such times as the shorter, less intelligent species is killed off by McDonalds-induced coronary disease or we have another world war and they are all packed off to the front lines as cannon fodder.

Can you imagine a world without Big Brother and the News of the World? Sounds like bliss, doesn’t it?

25^th October:

Just for the record, my sex life is fine. No, really. I don’t need Viagra, Ciallis or any of those other tablets. Nor do I want a part time job in Israel that pays well, or feel the need to invest in any of those companies that you persist on recommending to me. My credit rating is fine, I don’t really have enough room for a Russian bride and I’m happy for my winnings on the Nigerian lottery to remain uncollected. Oh, and I’m sorry to hear that my long-lost relative passed away but I don’t really want those 2.5 million dollars that rightfully belong to me. Honestly, I’d just fritter it all away on fast cars, expensive watches and Champagne. Besides, surely Lesotho’s need is greater than mine?

24th October:

Welcome, gentle reader, to the tragic-comedic farce that is the world of the parent-to-be. From antenatal classes, which generally involve sitting around with 6 other awkward couples in a remote and draughty village hall somewhere, trying to hamfistedly force a doll’s head through a sprung, plastic pelvis, to shopping for those baby accoutrements that you never even knew existed but which failure to own will immediately mark you out as a bad parent amongst your peers and damn your first-born to a life of homelessness and destitute drug-addiction, every passing week brings new experience and revelation, wrapped up in a wafer-thin coating of mild panic.

Even amongst marketing professionals, those people who work with baby products are a suspect bunch.

23rd October:

How much further can the increasing bastardisation of the English language go? I can just about tolerate some elements of ‘text-speak’ (you know, C U L8R and that kind of thing) without feeling the urge to ram a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary (and not the compact one, for that matter) down the throat of the offending party, but only when said expressions are used in the course of an SMS conversation. Using any of these expressions on email or any other form of communication is metaphorically tantamount to poking a finger up this nation's nostril uninvited, and immediately marks out the author as someone of questionable parentage and vocabularly. Innit.

22nd October:

This week, the Military Commissions Act of 2006 was signed into American law by President Bush. Most political commentators have been relatively quiet about this bill, with the notable exception of MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann who proclaimed the "Death of Habeas Corpus". I don’t live in the US and don’t pretend to understand the intimate workings of their political system. However, I fundamentally fail to see how Bush (forgive the lack of formality, but I don’t feel he is deserving of the respect that the title ‘President’ should command) can have any credibility in the eyes of the American people. From what I can gather, the man has turned the single largest budget surplus in US history into the single largest deficit. His domestic politics have been divisive and scandalous, in every sense of the world. He has lied about Iraq, lied about Afghanistan and drawn many other countries into these unpopular wars. Just how bad does it have to get before the American people realise what a mistake they have made?

At best, Bush is a buffoon, unworthy of the post he now holds. At worst he is a manipulative and deluded religious fundamentalist who seems intent on eroding the personal freedoms of his citizens and stoking their paranoia to further his own ends at every given opportunity. I have not stepped foot on American soil while he has been in power and do not intend to do so. I am not American, but am still embarrassed and ashamed that this man is held up as the voice of the free world. We should not allow history to judge him or his legacy kindly.

21st October:

Too many television programmes are no longer about information or entertainment. They are simply about voyeurism and making money. Watch the pain and embarrassment of the contestants. Call now to vote off the losers. Choose and vote for the winner. Buy their album and t-shirt. See them in concert. Follow the ‘reunion’ tour. Laugh along with the ‘fly on the wall’ documentary DVD. Wonder what happened to them after the 2^nd record bombed. Marvel at the winning formula…

20th October:

The human mind is a terrible thing.

Imagine if there was a woman who married a famous, billionaire rock star and then filed for divorce only a couple of years later. Imagine if she suspected that she wouldn’t get a great financial settlement from him if the divorce case came before the High Court. What would she and her legal team do? Leak reports of spousal abuse and drug-taking to the tabloid press in the hope that he will be embarrassed enough to settle out of court to make her shut up and go away? Possibly….

19th October:

It's hardly of great consequence, but one smouldering cultural matter does need to be cleared up: what exactly is a douchebag?