26^th October:

Scientists have suggested that within the next 10,00 years the human race will divide into two new sub-species. One species, the superior of the two, will be tall and slim, highly intelligent, and will have coffee-coloured skin (the result of generations of inter-continental breeding). The other species will be short, squat, goblin-like and strangely familiar to anyone who has ever visited the shopping centres of Britain’s provincial conurbations on a Saturday afternoon. White track-suits and large earrings may or may not feature prominently. Scientists are still divided over the exact Latin translation of “chip-eater”. Imagine a 7 foot tall younger Don Warrington standing next to Waynetta Slob and you are kind of getting there.

The suggestion is clearly that these two sub-species will co-exist side by side, just as we now believe Neanderthal man and Cromagnum man did, until such times as the shorter, less intelligent species is killed off by McDonalds-induced coronary disease or we have another world war and they are all packed off to the front lines as cannon fodder.

Can you imagine a world without Big Brother and the News of the World? Sounds like bliss, doesn’t it?