30th December:

Just like everyone else who signed up, I have very quickly realised that the more time one spends on Facebook, the less interesting the experience becomes. Oh look, another one of my friends has just invited me to complete a "how sexy are you?" survey. And I can also win a free iPhone by completing it. How can I possibly resist..? Quite easily, as it happens.

Beware the South of France. You may find yourself admiring a slim bottom and head of luscious blonde hair from behind, only to find that the owner of said items is actually 70 and has a face like Zelda from Terrahawks. The order of the day seems to be one part make-up to two parts formaldehyde. If in doubt, look for a small dog in a Vitton carry bag. It's a dead giveaway.

Beware also a diet rich in crustaceans over the festive period - this may lead to an inordinate amount of time being spent on the pan feeling queasy wondering how there can possibly be anything left to evacuate. Come the next war I strongly suggest we drop scallop pies on Tehran - that'll show them.

Finally, be wary of any air travel over the holiday period that requires you to travel with infants. It is more than likely that, at some point in your journey, you will encounter 'Samantha'. Sam (only her mother calls her Samantha) is 36 and single, drinks far too much Pinot Grigio, is the life and soul of the party, flirts with every man she meets and will regularly give you and your offspring pitying looks that seem to say "God, look at you dragging your kids and all those bags around with you. I would so hate to have children of my own". However, she's secretly just resentful because you look happy and sorted whereas she's a perpetual teenager with self-esteem issues who seems to stagger from the crushing disappointment of one failed relationship to the next.

Neither of you will get much sleep that night, but for entirely different reasons.