31st July:

The advent of satellite navigation systems was a wonderful thing, especially for those weary business travellers who used to have to pick up their hire cars and studiously memorise road maps for 15 minutes before heading out of the underground airport car park and into the bright sunlight of wherever it was they had landed. And promptly get lost at the first roundabout. Now, of course, our humble traveller can leave the car park confident that his final destination has been pre-programmed and a timely arrival is assured. He just has to circle around the first roundabout a dozen or so times until the sat-nav picks up a GPS signal.

If you ever have some time to kill at your nearest airport, it's a fun alternative to plane spotting. Just find yourself a good vantage point near the rental car park and watch a whole procession of sales reps getting whiplash and beeped at. My record is five in one hour.

Travelling anywhere these days by plane is, as every good schoolboy knows, a stressful experience. Heathrow Terminal 4 last week was the very embodiment of stress: long check-in queues, a security queue that went out the front door of the terminal and all the way along the front of building, staff barking instructions at people through megaphones and aggressive BAA employees practically wrenching additional (and apparently unauthorised) pieces of hand-luggage from passengers' hands. It felt like a detention centre. Honestly, veal calves get better treatment. And I was wasn't even travelling Ryanair.

The grand irony here is that a report this week by the International Air Transport Association concludes that the current methods of security screening in the UK do not improve security and seriously inconvenience passengers.

If you can imagine being shouted at by some spotty South African student in a BAA vest as an inconvenience, rather than an objectionable insult.

30th July:

Much has been made in the UK media about our new Prime Minister's attitude to Anglo-American relations. A series of apparently inference-laden statements by senior Government ministers seemed to suggest that the UK will no longer blindly accept America's position on any and every political issue as being true, correct and above reproach or inquiry. All good stuff as far as the domestic audience is concerned, you may think. Even America's ex-UN Ambassador John Bolton seemed a bit miffed. You almost saw his moustache twitch on TV. Which was wonderful.

However, in a masterful coup, Gordon Brown today sought to downplay these comments and provide a definitive position on the subject. He commented that he values the UK/US relationship immensely and can only see it getting stronger over the next few years.

Do you see what he did there? Do you?

25th July:

I can't quite work out which is worse - the fact that Jordan is naming her new baby daughter 'Princess', the fact that the BBC deem this to be newsworthy or the fact that i'm even getting annoyed about it.

Hold the front page - tasteless chav in 'spawns and demonstrates lack of class and poor judgement' stunner.

Who'd have thunk it?

24th July:

One of the cornerstones of any democracy is the principle of freedom of speech. We take for granted our right to stand outside a parliament or government assembly building with a large placard that says "You Suck" without having to worry about being bashed over the head by the police and whipped off to a place where we will never see daylight and be forced to make cheap kitchen utensils for the rest of our days.

Or at least we did here in the UK until the government banned us from doing so unless we had applied in advance for the appropriate permit.

Because I know that I am likely to be in the mood to demonstrate against some foreign policy atrocity that may happen 4 months from now. Better get my application form in sharpish, eh?

In many ways, however, there is always someone worse off than yourself. In Iran, for example, you don't even get as far as opening your mouth to express some politically subversive opinion - you've already been beaten to within an inch of your life for having the wrong kind of haircut.

Iran's government seems to enjoy telling the West to piss off and mind its own business. "We", they say, "are an ancient cradle of civilisation, and you have no right to tell us how to behave". And it is undoubtedly true that people in the Middle East did enjoy civilised and structured societies at a time when the rest of us were still painting our faces blue and picking fleas off each other. However, is it also true that Western countries do not tend to herd groups of young women on to minibuses, take them to detention centres and then physically abuse them because their coats are just a little bit too short and colourful.

In this sense, Iran is a bit of a paradox. It has an incredibly rich history and vibrant culture. It's film industry is one of the most prolific in the world and its people, by all accounts, are incredibly warm and welcoming. And yet its government seems to delight in sabre-rattling and baiting the West at every opportunity. Which would be understandable if it was playing to a supportive domestic audience. But this doesn't even seem to be the case.

Iran criticises the West for being decadent, arrogant and morally corrupt. The West in turn criticises Iran for its over-zealous suppression of human rights and its inequitable interpretation of Islamic law.

As ever, the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.

23rd July:

The difference between celebrities and us mere mortals is very simple. They generally do much the same kind of stuff as we do, they just do it wearing better clothes and surrounded by photographers. Which is why they are celebrities. And not off exploring the poles or finding a cure for cancer.

Holywood apparently threw a large 'Welcome to LA' party for the Beckhams yesterday. In much the same way as I would hold a little soiree for any of my friends who had moved to Cambridge. Only without quite as much Tiffany on show. Or that many photographers.

It's all terribly reminiscent of that time when Liza Minnelli held a big glitzy press conference to announce to the world that she was 'back'. From where, we are still none the wiser. From the hairdressers? The bathroom? And back to do what, precisely? To tell us that she was back, apprently.

So there you have it, folks. Are you a celebrity? Do you thrive on the oxygen of publicity? Then why not get the glad-rags on and tip off the press that you're going out to buy bread and a pint of milk.

Someone is bound to put you on the front page for it.

20th July:

Post 100. Happy birthday to me.

The English Summer weather continues to change, startle and confuse more regularly than a Beckham hairstyle.

In other news, the admission by the British Home Secretary of occasional cannabis use during her heady days as a student results in a veritable stampede as government minister after minister seems compelled to admit to the press that they too smoked cannabis during their yoot. Innit. Nobody actually admits to having enjoyed it, though. And each of these admissions is delivered in a rather carefully orchestrated and po-faced "I know now it was wrong and i'm not proud of myself" fashion. Except for Labour minister Peter Hain, who turns up on Channel 4 news and admits he fucking loved it. So there goes his career, up in a puff of fragrant green smoke. Welcome to the Labour party: If you're not wasted, the day is.

What exactly is the collective noun for government ministers anyway? I vote for either a 'guile' or a 'misrepresentation'.

Come to think of it, these revelations of rife drug misuse all start to make sense. Most of us have suspected for years that Ruth Kelly was on something. And our new PM certainly cannot be that laboured in his mannerisms naturally. He's clearly on Temazepam. Either that or the batteries need changing.

A sportsman only improves by playing against better opponents. Which surely means that the aforementioned Beckham will come on leaps and bounds given that he appears to have signed for a glorified pub team that gets humped every week. Albeit a pretty rich one. Although not for much longer, given his wages. Meanwhile, Mrs. B will pootle around L.A. in her new Bentley doing whatever it is that these people do. Until she realises that she is actually a small fish is a very large and well established pond. At which point she will no doubt go in the huff and scuttle home again, blaming too much sunshine and a lack of marmite for her inability to command front page status every week in the tabloid press. Oh no, wait a minute, that would suggest that she eats.

If I was live on air I would be taking a zippo to my script as we speak.

18th July:

As regular readers (hello mum!) of this increasingly irregular column will recall, your congenial host and family live in historic Cambridge.

Much has been made round these parts recently of a plan to introduce a London-style congestion charge to Cambridge city centre. Presumably as a method of cutting congestion. Because the town planning department spend all day twiddling their thumbs due to the fact that most of the city centre is at least 3 centuries old and owned by the University. And therefore not likely to be demolished so they can widen the road.

The local hotbed of investigative journalism, The Cambridge Evening News, today reports that 74% of people are against such a congestion charge. Which comes as no surprise given that the greater good usually tends to go out the window when people's wallets are affected. However, I am slightly concerned about this figure of 74%. 74% of what? Or should that be whom? Every good schoolboy is brought up naturally understanding that the value of a poll usually depends on the sample size. It is therefore possible that this 74% could indeed be 37 people out of 50 that were queried. In which case, the poll is neither representative of the population's view nor particularly valid as a research tool.

I'm sure the vast majority of people polled in London prior to the introduction of the congestion charge there were against it. However, London is a density populated, sprawling city and the sheer weight of traffic, both commercial and private, prior to the charge made it impossible and unpleasant to navigate around the centre in a car at any time of day. Whereas in Cambridge, people get stuck in traffic at 8.30am for 25 minutes and lose the head. Oh, and parking in the city centre is hideously expensive. And there is a really good Park and Ride bus service.

There are circumstances where a congestion charge is an appropriate and effective tool in deterring traffic from entering a city centre. However, it is not a panacea, nor a quick-fix, nor a substitute for imaginative thinking on the part of local government. If that isn't already too much of an oxymoron.

London, definitely. New York, possibly. San Paulo and Mexico City, without a doubt.

Cambridge?

Cobblers.

12th July:

Sometimes it's nice when someone does all the hard work for you.

10th July:

Wimbledon fortnight has come to an end and we can now look back and reflect on the key issues being debated by the chattering classes of SW19. Like 'does Maria Sharapova grunt like that in bed?'.

Several key conclusions can be drawn from this year's tournament:

Justine Henin may have the most elegant backhand that the game has seen in years, but she still looks like a small hamster;
The BBC's John Inverdale has a face that you would never tire of slapping. The words 'smug' and 'supercilious' don't even come close;
The great British public have a genetic compulsion to drink Pimms at Wimbledon even when it's pissing down with rain, freezing cold and every other nationality is ordering soup. Presumably because it's June and that's just the done thing;
Jimmy Connors really does look like he is moments away from a coronary thrombosis every time Andy Roddick gets to a critical point in a match. Next time it's 6 games all in the final set, expect to see Jimmy on the floor flapping like a fish;
Leyton Hewitt's traveling Aussie entourage is regularly referred to by the press as enthusiastic. That means drunk. And they often come to tournaments in fancy dress. Drunk again. And they bring inflatable kangaroos. Yep, there you go...;
Serena Williams needs the game of tennis much more than the game needs her. We say that you've raised the bar as far as athleticism in the women's game is concerned. We're being polite. You're a freaky munter. That's why people cheer when you lose. Go and do something else.

On a final note, does anyone else think that Sue Barker makes puppy-dog eyes whenever she is interviewing Boris Becker? I know Boris has a reputation for being a bit of a smooth old dog and broom-cupboard lothario, but really Sue....it's just not going to happen.

Unlike Muzzy and Janko.

8th July:

Well, that was Live Earth.

Sitting here today reflecting on the televised concerts last night, it is difficult to say that the BBC's coverage struck the right tone. The usually-dependable Johnathan Ross was a decent anchorman but did far too much of the 'mugging-to-the-camera' schtick. In fact, come to think of it, there was far too much frivolity and piss-taking all round. And which bright spark thought that having Graham Norton and Alan Carr co-hosting would be a good idea? I mean really...asking Alan Carr for his opinion on a serious political and social issue is a bit like taking your Granny to Spearmint Rhino for a night out. Wrong on every level.

It is possible that someone at the BBC felt that the tone of the programme should not be too negative or preachy but this really does miss the point. The fact is that global warming is a critically serious issue and people's failure to react suggests that they really DO need to have it rammed down their throats. However po-faced that may seem. Unfortunately, asking the Pussycat Dolls for a view on energy saving lightbulbs just isn't going to cut the mustard.

The words 'cringing' and 'embarrassment' spring immediately to mind.

Still not nearly as bad as Gervais at the Diana memorial gig, though.

2nd July:

In a world that seems to get ever more insane, it's great to see that there are still some sensible people out there.

Paris Hilton got out of jail. Media scrum ensued. Meanwhile, over on MSNBC, news anchor Mika Brzezinski lost her rag on-air because her producers kept placing the Paris Hilton story as her lead item during the Morning Joe show. First she theatrically tried to burn her script, then she tried to shred it before ripping it up, throwing it in the bin and storming off the set. At no point did she ever say "This is not news and I did not become a journalist to talk about this kind of meaningless tabloid shit" but the message was loud and clear.

Go Mika. You are welcome for tea and biscuits chez Congenial Host any time.

1st July:

Smokers 'koff