23rd July:

The difference between celebrities and us mere mortals is very simple. They generally do much the same kind of stuff as we do, they just do it wearing better clothes and surrounded by photographers. Which is why they are celebrities. And not off exploring the poles or finding a cure for cancer.

Holywood apparently threw a large 'Welcome to LA' party for the Beckhams yesterday. In much the same way as I would hold a little soiree for any of my friends who had moved to Cambridge. Only without quite as much Tiffany on show. Or that many photographers.

It's all terribly reminiscent of that time when Liza Minnelli held a big glitzy press conference to announce to the world that she was 'back'. From where, we are still none the wiser. From the hairdressers? The bathroom? And back to do what, precisely? To tell us that she was back, apprently.

So there you have it, folks. Are you a celebrity? Do you thrive on the oxygen of publicity? Then why not get the glad-rags on and tip off the press that you're going out to buy bread and a pint of milk.

Someone is bound to put you on the front page for it.