6th April:

According to the BBC news on Wednesday of this week, more and more cities in the UK are planning to introduce "talking" CCTV cameras that will reprimand people seen behaving in an anti-social manner. Because people who drop litter in the street and urinate in doorways clearly have a highly-developed sense of shame that can be tapped into, for the benefit of society as a whole. Ignoring for a moment the clear Orwellian direction that this kind of stuff takes us in (what next? "We interrupt your programme, Mrs. Miggins at number 14, to bring you an important message. Your cat has just defecated on number 22's front doorstep. A fixed penalty notice will be issued within 3 working days") there is the more important issue of society's ability to self-regulate.

Ask your grandparents about this and they will come over all misty-eyed (or it might just be the cataracts) and tell you tales of the days when you could go down to the pub and leave your front door unlocked without fear of robbery. The local bobby was perfectly within his rights to give any lippy young miscreants a good clip round the ear and could do so without fear of being stabbed or happy-slapped by a gang of 10 year old crack fiends shouting "bovvvvered". And the world was a better place for it. Social commentators will stroke their beards, admire their sanadals and pontificate that the breakdown of the traditional family unit has left people with little extended family and therefore with less of a feeling of social integration and belonging. And if you don't identify with something, why should it matter to you?

Your congenial host is clean-shaven and does not own sandals and cannot therefore add much to this debate. One thing is for sure, however. Shouting through a PA system at some munter who has just dropped her chip-wrapper on the pavement is more likely to result in a two-fingered gesture than a cleaner and politer society. If you can't get 'em when they are still in short trousers, it's too late for us all.