18th January:

There are certain absolute and irresistible facts about life when a newborn baby comes into your home.

Amongst these is the fact that your hands will continually smell of Milton steralising fluid. There is nothing you can do about this. Fortunately you will also be able to detect that wonderful creamy-buttery-baby-head smell wherever you go in the house. This is nature's recompense for the Milton fluid.

Additionally, you will notice that even the simplest of routine and mundane tasks will start to require Herculean levels of concentration and effort. This is sleep-deprivation. Allied to this will be a sudden loss of ability to spell or write a coherent sentence and a constant nagging feeling that you've forgotten to do something important. Nature's recompense for this is the look on your baby's face when she relieves herself immediately after being fed. Absolutely priceless.

This list of useless facts is likely to grow over the coming weeks in direct proportion to your congenial host's experience of parenthood....

In other news, people on reality television shows are apparently a bit thick and racist.

No punchline required.