27th December:

Most of the major High Street banks make, it would not be unfair to say, a filthy amount of profit every year. Which would be fine if they were a bit more...upfront about it. Rather than kidding on that they are your friend.

Your congenial host found himself today the recipient of a phone call from his bank (here's a big clue: RBS) who wished to conduct what they referred to as a 'banking review'. Which amounted to some poor woman trying to sell me a whole host of products and services that I clearly wasn't interested in.

"I see that you don't have any savings accounts with us, Sir".
"Yes, that is correct. I have savings accounts with other banks that offer me higher rates of interest than you. However, i'd be happy to switch these savings to you if you can match the interest rate and offer me a suitable additional incentive".
*deathly silence*
"Would you be interested in a credit card?"
"No thank you. I have two already, both of which offer me lower rates of interest than your cards".
"How about a mortgage?"
"No thanks. I looked at your mortgage products two years ago and found them to be uncompetitive".

RBS was one of the first major banks to introduce a current account that charges a monthly fee. Their argument has always been that this kind of account brings with it a whole host of additional services that are worth far more than the measly 6 Pounds a month fee incurred. Which is clearly, if you'll forgive me, contemptable bollocks. Discounts off foreign holidays booked through the bank? Preferential rates on personal loans that are already about 2% APR greater than other competitors? Commission-free foreign exchange? Hold me back...

At the end of the day, this fee boils down to the bank charging you for the privilege of holding your money. And making a very handsome profit as a result. The very notion that anyone has actually signed up for this kind of account suggests to me that the average RBS customer is either incredibly lazy (and would happily say yes to anything for a quiet life) or is oafish in the extreme. Douse myself in vodka and run through that ring of fire? Ah, hell, why not...

The day may come when I receive a phone call telling me that my free current account is being withdrawn, and it is 6 Pounds a month or nothing. In which case, i'll have to close the account and vote with my feet. However, when that day does come I will have a suspicion that the person on the other end of the line breaking the bad news to me probably didn't get into banking to become a commission-based salesperson. And is probably pretty cheesed off too.