16th December:

Christmas is, as every schoolboy knows, a time for giving. A time for reflection, tolerance, peace and understanding. Until you have to put up the Christmas tree. At which point, tolerance goes out the window and petty bickering becomes the order of the day.

Strange, is it not, how the simple act of finding an appropriate corner of a room, plonking a tree in it and then chucking on a few coloured baubles can suddenly take on day-ruining proportions. You congenial host theorises that we have all mistakenly been conditioned into thinking that this process should somehow be 'fun'. We have images in our heads of small children sitting on the floor and passing sparkly trinkets to their mother who lovingly places them on the tree, as father watches on. For some reason, lots of brylcreem, flowery aprons and a pipe also feature heavily in this scene, although that might just be me. The truth, of course, is far more terrible.

There is an undoubted sense of satisfaction to be had from sitting down afterwards admiring the fruits of one's handiwork - this is a given. In this sense, however, the whole process strikes me as being somewhat similar to gardening, in which case I would strongly recommend that there is good money to be made by someone out there who is prepared to relieve us of our decorative anxieties by offering their services as a Christmas Tree Installation and Adornment Consultant.

Say, 60 quid for a fully decorated 5 footer? Worth every penny...