17th December:

Some golden rules to assist you in your nagivation of the political minefield that is the office Christmas party:

1. If partners are invited, take your partner. They will be a sober and steadying influence and you will thank them in the morning. Their presence will also dramatically increase the likelihood of you ending up in bed with someone who wants to have sex with you for all the right reasons.
2. No more than 2 apperatifs before the meal. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
3. Yes, there is free wine on the table but it will give you a monster hangover the next day because it is Chilean sheep-dip. Drink no more than half a bottle, have plenty of water and save yourself for the post-coffee brandies.
4. Eileen in Accounts does scrub up pretty well and has been giving you a bit of the eye all evening but she is realistically old enough to be your mum. Besides, she is married but is conspicuously not wearing her wedding ring. Retire to the bar and the safety of blokey chat and another brandy.
5. Dave, a student who completed a work placement with your company last summer, has been invited to the party and has brought Mandy, his 21 year old girlfriend. Mandy is blonde, pert and has turned up in kitten heels, a pencil skirt and a bustier. Every man in the room has been kicked under the table by their partner for looking a little too blatantly at Mandy's arse and Dave suddenly has a lot of new best friends. The DJ (Brian, a 45 year old bloke in a cardigan who thinks he's edgy because he has played one song in the current top ten) has made one cringworthy comment about Mandy's Christmas stockings and is about to get a serious ticking off from the Managing Director's PA. Retire to the bar and the safety of blokey chat and another brandy.
6. Please note that it is obligatory to get up and dance. Especially to ABBA. Regardless of how stupid you feel. Even if you usually listen to thrash metal. Just don't look at Mandy's arse.
7. The MD and other company directors will leave the venue after the coffee and the first song. You may think that this is some kind of magnanimous gesture designed to ensure that you can relax, let your hair down and enjoy the evening without feeling like the boss is keeping an eye on you. This is not the case. This is entirely for your boss's benefit, not yours - he does not need to see you drunk nor wish to know what you really think of him.
8. Resist the urge to tell anyone what you really think of them. Or how much you earn.
9. Resist the urge to take pictures of anyone or pose for the same. Especially if novelty headgear is involved.
10. Dancing should be done on the dance-floor and not on any other surface. Especially not if it is elevated. This is not Amsterdam.
10. If you are staying at the venue, do not tell anyone nor divulge your room number.
11. Do not schedule anything of importance for the following day. Keep to a strict regime - regular cups of tea, crap telly, pepto-bismol and a long afternoon snooze.

Happy hangover!