11th December:

Apparently, there are unsavoury types out there on the other side of our living room windows who are involved in such nefarious activities as drug dealing and illegal money lending. These ventures regularly generate large amounts of paper money that has to be laundered in some way or another. Up until recently, the method du jour was the backstreet tanning salon. In some parts of Glasgow, Manchester and London tanning salons were regularly ‘earning’ over £200,000 per week. If these earnings were legitimate, our major conurbations should have been teeming with people bearing a pallor akin to the product of an unholy union between a Satsuma and a 2x4 piece of mahogany. Which was clearly not the case. Although a weekend visit to one of the many city-centre pubs might convince you otherwise.

The most recent approach has apparently involved stretch-limo companies. Chief Superintendent Geraint Anwel, chairman of the National Roads Policing Intelligence Forum, has just led an investigation into these unregulated firms and has surmised that change is needed. To quote the man with the scrambled egg on his hat, “We have seen, on a number of occasions, some pretty unsavoury people….inside these vehicles”. Yes, and those are just the paying punters. Which makes you wonder why the makers of these slapper-attractors even bother fitting tinted windows when they are permanently open. Just add Lambrini and a Vengaboys CD, mix well and stand as far back as possible. Or you’ll get whistled at. By a group of large women from Barnsley on a hen-night. With inappropriate hemlines.

I once saw a cyclist being heckled by the occupants of one of these munter-wagons at a set of traffic lights. Something to do with the chamois shorts, I assumed. Clearly disgruntled, Lance Arse-strong shouted “show us your tits” in the direction of the rapidly disappearing limo.

Terrifyingly, they stopped the car and did.