3rd December:

Deep within the human brain lurks an innate, primeval desire to collect, categorise, classify and compartmentalise. This is a good thing, without which we would not have Botany, Philately or Pokémon.

Back when I were a lad, the cinema was a straight-forward affair. We had U films, PG films, 15 films, 18 films and the mythical X-rated films that, we imagined, would be shown in the dead of night at small, smoky ‘private member’ cinemas. I say ‘imagined’ because we lived in provincial Scotland, where the only comparably risqué thing one might see would involve some drunken oaf attempting to get his fat, similarly-drunken girlfriend’s underwear off in the back alley behind the local pub whilst simultaneously finishing off a deep-fried takeaway pizza.

Now, however, it would appear that a humble classification is no longer sufficient. A quick visit to the BBFC web-site reveals a whole new world of health warnings and consumer advice. One film currently on general release, for example, “contains ominous tone”. Ooooh, ominous! Another “contains very mild comic violence”. A third “contains scenes of mild peril”. Even more helpfully, one film is described as “containing infrequent strong language and moderate threat”. Moderate threat?? “I don’t think we should go and see ‘The Prestige’ tonight love. I know you like that Hugh Jackman but the film does contain moderate violence and fatalities.”

I’m all in favour of the protection of innocence, but I do find this kind of thing a step too far. Is the knowledge that the latest exercise in relieving you of your hard-earned by Disney contains “mild peril and scenes of fantasy” going to deter you from taking your squealing ankle-biter? Of course not. Think the average 19 year old really worries that their Friday night jaunt out to the local Odeon will result in them being exposed to “strong violence and frequent sexual references”?

Frankly, they’re probably counting on it!