19th April:

Your congenial host has just returned from a lovely week in Lanzarote. Cue the inevitable rant about people who travel anywhere abroad wearing a football shirt (a clear beacon that the offender is of limited intelligence, questionable breeding and someone to be avoided at all costs...), the fact that English is more widely spoken that Spanish (Grass your arse on this, Paco!) and the perils of foreign travel with small babies (the smaller the child, the larger the final medical bill). On second thoughts, just go and see Mikey's blog - he does this stuff way better than me.

In other news, Mariah Carey's new album is called E=MC2. No, really. Go and look it up. Just wrong, isn't it? Theory of Relatively as postulated by genius physicist meets diminutive pop-tart with big tits and even bigger freaky forehead. Who'd have thunk it? If Albert was alive today, he'd be spinning in his grave.

And another thing - why do people travel home from their holidays wearing nothing more than a T-shirt, shorts and sandals and then loudly exclaim how 'king freezing it is outside Stansted airport at midnight as they are having a crafty fag in the queue for the long-stay car park bus? Answers on a postcard from somewhere sunny, please...