23rd April:

I received an email this morning, the subject of which was "Have a screaming climax today".

I had a tuna sandwich and a packet of crisps instead.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

19th April:

Your congenial host has just returned from a lovely week in Lanzarote. Cue the inevitable rant about people who travel anywhere abroad wearing a football shirt (a clear beacon that the offender is of limited intelligence, questionable breeding and someone to be avoided at all costs...), the fact that English is more widely spoken that Spanish (Grass your arse on this, Paco!) and the perils of foreign travel with small babies (the smaller the child, the larger the final medical bill). On second thoughts, just go and see Mikey's blog - he does this stuff way better than me.

In other news, Mariah Carey's new album is called E=MC2. No, really. Go and look it up. Just wrong, isn't it? Theory of Relatively as postulated by genius physicist meets diminutive pop-tart with big tits and even bigger freaky forehead. Who'd have thunk it? If Albert was alive today, he'd be spinning in his grave.

And another thing - why do people travel home from their holidays wearing nothing more than a T-shirt, shorts and sandals and then loudly exclaim how 'king freezing it is outside Stansted airport at midnight as they are having a crafty fag in the queue for the long-stay car park bus? Answers on a postcard from somewhere sunny, please...

9th April:

Apparently there is a small village on Merseyside called 'Lunt'. And the goodly inhabitants of this village are getting so pissed off at people vandalising the sign welcoming people to Lunt that they are considering changing the name of the village to 'Launt' in order to make it less of a target.

Kids today, eh? Cittle lunts.

7th April:

China has today denounced the protests that interrupted the Olympic torch relay in London yesterday. And in other news, the Pope really is apparently Catholic, although we await absolute clarification of this fact from the Vatican.

You would expect the Chinese government to make grand, sweeping statements about how sport and politics should never mix, precisely because they don't want them to, but this is clearly offensive nonsense to anyone with half a brain and at least one good eye. Perhaps more worrying, however, is the number of British Olympians who have been queuing up to agree. OK, I understand that an Olympic medal may well be the pinnacle of a sportsman or woman's career, and a potentially lucrative pinnacle at that, but there is a wider and more important moral issue at play here and these glib "we just want to compete and not get involved in the politics" statements just don't cut it.

French participants in the forthcoming games have been debating how to take part but still make their feelings known. There has been discussion of athletes perhaps wearing special badges or shirts bearing some slogan that relates to China's record on human rights issues. At the heart of it though, regardless of the mechanism of protest, is the belief of France's Olympic Federation that some form of statement by athletes is necessary and proper. Compare and contrast this with the lamentable and apologist line being peddled by some of our medal hopes, and it hardly makes you proud to be British.

5th April:

Despite her claims that she donates up to 80% of her income to charities, the Judge at the recent McCartney / Mills divorce settlement hearing noted that Heather Mills' tax returns showed no charitable donations whatsoever.

If she's looking for charities to give money to, your congenial host would suggest that any organisation supporting creative writing or leeches would be thoroughly appropriate.

1st April:

Yesterday I found myself sitting on the toilet whilst drinking an espresso with one hand and typing an email on my laptop with the other.

I suspect it may be time for a holiday.