11 Aug 2015

A very good friend of mine recently became single again following, to use celebrity parlance, a ‘conscious uncoupling’. That’s a conscious uncoupling that he was spectacularly unconscious of right up until Pickfords drew up outside the shared home and her brother got out of the van to break the news. My friend, being of a similar vintage to me, subsequently asked me for advice on dating. Which is a little bit like asking the Pope for advice on brands of lubricant. Attempting to be helpful, I suggested there might be an app for that kind of thing, and he subsequently reported back to me that he was having a bit of success with Tinder. Curious, I decided to have a look. And here comes my big confession: I’ve now looked at several hundred Tinder profiles and have been astonished, amused and occasionally horrified by what I have seen. Given this experience, I would therefore like to offer these 10 Tinder profile hints to ladies everywhere, as a public service.

1.     Avoid group photos as your primary profile picture - we men are not mind readers. We are simple creatures and in the absence of a clear profile pic we are going to assume that you are the fat one on the end. You’re the fat one on the end, aren’t you? Thought as much…

2.     Similarly avoid multiple pictures of you and your bestie. I don’t like guessing games. And she’s the hotter one, isn’t she? Thought so…

3.     Don’t think that leaning over and showing off your cleavage will distract us from the fact that you clearly ate your ex-husband. We all love breasts but obese is obese and you’re not fooling anyone.

4.     Avoid pictures of your children and/or pets as your primary profile picture. I’m 42 and have baggage. I assume that if you’re over 30, you’ll probably have baggage too. That said, you did once have a life before you became a mother and/or cat owner. You love your kids/cats, of course, but I don't want to date them. Besides, it's illegal. 

5.     Don’t use the expression ‘I have [insert number here] kids and they are my world’. Of course they are – that’s implicit. If you have [insert number here] kids and are completely ambivalent about them, I question your ability as a parent! I’m interested in you and your personality; your children probably already have a father and don’t need another one. And if you only have time for your kids then I’m not entirely surprised that you are single. You might want to get used to that.

6.     Smile, for fuck sake! Pulling vinegar face, duck face or gurning at the camera is not helping. Go and put some make-up on, smile and give yourself a fighting chance. 

7.     Don’t post pictures of yourself in your underwear and/or bikini. You may be a triathlete and fitness fanatic but we’ll just think you’re easy. Sorry, but it’s true…

8.     Don’t post pictures of you and your mates in your living room proudly pointing at a coffee table full of empty bottles of beer/vodka/Jagermeister. I like a drink as much as the next fella, but I don’t want to be holding your hair at the end of every date and reminding you that I’m not your ex. Show a little class.

9.     Cartoons and/or obscure pictures of things other than you – celebrities, manga, Betty Boop, horses showing their teeth, sunrises and babies in the bath with foam on their heads – are not cute. I’m just going to assume you have something to hide. Or you’re unhinged. Or just plain ugly. See point 1 above.

10. Please don’t make statements like ‘wot u see is wot u get and I ain’t changing for no-one coz I am 4 real’. Confidence and self-respect are important, but I can see your picture. You’re covered in badly spelled tattoos and if you had any more piercings on your face you’d start leaking. Poor grammar isn't going to seal the deal. 

No charge, people!